Where is the hickey?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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