Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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