the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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