does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
