Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
