i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
