Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him