At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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