Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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