dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
