gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
