There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
