I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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