Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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