it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
