i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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