All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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