Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
