I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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