I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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