My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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