He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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