I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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