the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
