I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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