Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Farmville is her only friend.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
