just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
