You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too high and old for this...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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