just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
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I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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