Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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