i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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