I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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