why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish you could order shots online.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
