girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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