Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
