I think I just saw someone hide a body.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
