Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
