sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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