I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
