Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Even my vagina gasped.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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