Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
