I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
