Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
