All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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