my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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