Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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