she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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