My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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