did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
