so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
