i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
