Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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