Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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