turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
