My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
