there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
This is the prime rib incident all over again
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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