i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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