I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Two words: blizzard sex
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
