I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
